Waiting

I thought the next several weeks would be torturesome.  I expected panic.  My expectations were based on what I have known in the past.  I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be in control.  I’m ashamed to admit that the weaknesses in my faith have become glaringly evident in every trial I’ve faced.  Times when I should have been turning to God, when I should have been on my knees, I’ve turned to a million other things – to knowledge, strategy, reason, analysis, friends, and distraction.  That’s not to say I haven’t prayed.  And it’s not to say that I didn’t put my faith in a risen and living Lord many years ago.  I’m just realizing now how weak that faith must have been.  How do I know?  I know because in this particular trial, I have had no choice but to relinquish control to The One To Whom It Belonged In The First Place.  There’s nothing for me to do but wait, and pray, and seek out the truths that I know exist in God’s Word.  Those truths, ones that I’ve read and heard so many times, are so much more true to me in the last month than they ever have been.  And this peace that has descended on me is a deeper, more abiding peace than I have known, even in the quietest stretches of life.  For a long time, and in response to a series of difficulties, my life verses have been Phillipians 4:6 and 7.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  This peace I’m finding definitely transcends my understanding.  It’s out of character, and so not something for which I can take any credit.  It’s not based in knowing what lies ahead or having a plan.  I don’t know what will happen with our precious baby girl in the months to come.  What I do know, with hope and assurance much deeper and stronger than what I’ve known before, is that we will someday meet her face to face, whether here or in heaven.  And though I’m crying even now, I have peace in knowing that if she’s not with her daddy, her sister, and me, she will be with a Daddy who loves her far more than either of us ever can.